My Midnight Thoughts Vol. 1

You always think thing gets easier in one area of you life and other get more complicated as you grow old, the honest truth is that it all gets complicated as time passes; bills, jobs, love, friendship, education, it's life.

I remember thinking 3 years ago thing would be a lot more simple, and I see within myself it doesn't, my feeling alone are contradictory; logic tells me "This hurt you, avoid it from now on" and in the end you do it again and again like heroine to a junkie, or sex with a stranger to a sex addict. Daughter's "Landfill" reminds me constantly.

I sometimes believe I should apologize for what I feel half the times without vocalizing these concerns, which is up to a certain point senseless, one cannot avoid or help feeling betrayed, in love, sad, there is no internal  magic switch to turn that frown upside down, you can be positive as much as you like but whatever you are feeling inside, or even thinking doesn't change.

I lived in a secret bubble for a long time, saying what I felt was reprimanded, saying what I thought was terrifying, trying to get away from was was harming was more threatening... you learn to shrug the fear and pain away.

You can live happy for as long as you heart allows you and when for a split second you remember a scar in your soul... your day has just gone bad, your week, you month, bruises fade with time yet the emotional scars stay behind to haunt us for longer than we care to admit.

It's been a long day, I've had a few whiskeys tonight, my heart and my soul hurt over memories that should have never been forged...

Go to bed, cry to sleep, sleep the pain away and wake up to a new day.

Pantie talk

Today I decided to purchase some new lingerie, just for the heck of it, I wanted to splurge maybe, or maybe I just grew tired of the current models in my chest of drawers.

I do have to plead guilty when accused of having a bit of a fixation on lingerie, no amount is ever too much if it looks and feels good, I like to blame this on my mother… I recall seeing her walk around the house in the middle of the summer in satin or silk chemises and gowns, can't say I blame her the California heat can affect terribly a single MILF in her late 20's, sadly age has finally caught up with her 20 plus years later.

Soooooo any who, I went online to a certain famous website for having pretty sexy "angels" for those who don't know what I'm on about *cough Victoria's Secret cough*.

Browsing for page to page, unceasingly clicking links and viewing garment after garment I was depressed and not because I had browsed through a hundred pictures of lingerie models and blah blah blah body blah blah, I like my body as imperfect as it is and I have to admit I like girls too so I quite enjoyed viewing the photographs, I was sad because of the actual designs of the lingerie and even the colours were awful… when did neon green zebra become sexy? 

Last I checked those were go-go dancer outfit colours, probably even exotic dancer temporary outfit colours and designs even tho they lean more towards the metallic and "sober" looking versions of this crap.

Call me old fashion, call me close minded, call me a bitch if you like but I'm sorry for that price you have to be fucking joking! 

Now I ages ago I refused to go to Fredrick's of Hollywood because I erroneously heard their lingerie was more the skanky kind of gals, (probably because I heard their dresses were ridiculously short), I opted for going to their website and check out some of their lingerie… pleasantly surprised by very sexy, classy, lace, satin, silky looking panties! And even better price! I continued to browse away for about an hour making my mind up "Oh no, what do I chose? Satin and lace or lace and rhinestones?".

The brassieres are equally gorgeous sadly the variety in sizing is not in my favour.

I still don't understand where VS went so crazy over neon animal prints clashing with neon lace, not only in their "collage girl" section, but animal print is even invading granny panties. And please don't get me wrong, I still shop for bras and night gowns there, I'm a big fan of their bras (very comfy when not ridiculously over padded) and their baby dolls and slips are deliciously comfy but… VS what the heck is up with your panties?!?!?!

Are you sure about your age?

Only a few years ago your hair was blue, pink, and whatever crazy plaid and patent leather corset you could lay your hands on formed a part of your every day wardrobe yet you had a pretty good job in a nice office where it was your brains and talent they hired, not your looks.

Funny thing is it wasn't "The New Job" that made you change, dear 'ol friends began to question your maturity based on your appearance... Really? What kind of friends are those?

I've never allowed other people's opinion have me doubt how I feel about the way I look, if I want to look girly and wear some stupid ass dress today because there was nice weather than so be it! If it's a nasty ass old granny dress that comes down to my knees because I am not comfortable with minis... it is MY problem not yours.

Hair color? No, I will not become more stupid because of the chemicals I throw in my hurr.
Bitch please, I've mastered getting high on bleach fumes!

If I want to be a F****** cross-dresser... aside from looking effin hot as hell dressed as a man, it's still me under all that clothes and manliness.

Now leave me to my odd sexiness and go find your own!

Little Summer of Horrors

I can't tell if the sun was going down or the sunrise was the one warming my face, the orange curtains tinted the room a redish yellow, Elvis Presley's voice in the background repeating itself over and over again [Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have...] tic toc, tic toc I hear my watch sitting on the nightstand and all I want is to sleep after a long night and the partying at the pub. 


Please make him shut up, I hear him pouring another glass and singing along [Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time... you were always on my mind...]. He pours yet another glass, I know all I have at home is a very cheap bottle of vodka. [Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died...] He's pacing back and forth in my living room, it's so warm and it's only 5 am, i didn't even bother getting out of my pink party dress [Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times...]. 


He replayed the song without letting it finish again, he's still singing and walking towards my room [Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should...]. I feel him touching my face, a caress in his mind to me was like sand paper being run down my face and all I can think is "Please stop singing" [You were always on my mind, you were always on my mind]. 


I flinch and he steps back, puts down his drink and continues to sing in a disturbing whisper and touches my face once again, sliding his hand gently down to my throat slowly increasing the pressure with his gigantic hand. 


I stare straight at him as I begin to loose air [You were always on my mind, you were always on my mind...] and as the rest of me goes limp all I can murmur is "Please let me sleep". 


Soon enough 12 stones worth of this vil creature and it's heaving breath are crushing my miserable 6 stone body, an elbow on my ribs, a hand around my throat and threatening words in my ear my brain fails to record in my memory [...I just never took the time, yo were always on my mind...]. 


I blink and it's all over... or is it? Pacing back and forth in the living room once more, 7:30 am and he's on the phone praising a mate of his he goes to the gym with; he admires him, tells him he's one of his best friends, the call gets cut off... he runs out of credit. 


It's too hot to fall back asleep, finally silence and here I am staring at the wall wishing he went home. 


Oh God no! He's walking into my room once more, he only wants to borrow my phone, he just wants to talk to his mate, I blow him off begging for some sleep... My redish yellow walls turn red as he extends his bleeding arm towards me demanding I give him my phone, he hates his life, I'm angry, my home and my safe place desecrated by his blood, my dress stained as his warm embrace is forced upon me. 


Finally 9 am and he's gone, I'm finally safe in an empty flat. 


Every time I close my eyes I hear that song and he is there with me at all times [you were always on my mind, you were always on my mind...]

How to write a love letter

Dearest loved one, I have been thinking of you from the moment you left and my every breath awaits your kiss.

Blah blah blah mushy shit... So lets say that for some reason you other half makes a long ass trip to nether regions of the world and you are left behind exposed to a world of temptations, you're lucky if your brain fails to perceive them or at least most of them for whatever reason; morals, principals, you're too darn stoopid, belief, or the simple fact that this person actually fulfills your every needs except the obvious due to the distance... sex.

Every now and then you send each other presents, memes that are usually funny or romantic in a weird way, pictures, videos, porn, stuffed animals, and so on.

Now lets say you want to write a letter... hmmmm. Fairly overwhelming for some or at least for me, my mind goes blank, you don't want to sound mushy even tho in the end it still kinda is just because you decided to actually use you hands for something other than typing an email, picking your navel lint or masturbating.

People that are afflicted by the grand "perfectionist complex" and people who actually enjoy reading begin to think: "Oh, my handwriting is terrible", "This makes no sense", "I sound so gay"... book worms would tend to think about grammar, topics, diagrams, introduction, conclusion. THIS IS NOT HOMEWORK.

Just think about it for a second; you've both decided to stay together, very easily could have split up, taken a break, or whatever you want to call it, it doesn't really matter what you might decide to write about just be you.

So go pour your heart out, write some jokes, tell a story, make one up, if you feel stupid about what you wrote remember that other person is with you for a reason and it's not because you are an accomplished writer.

WTF is this?!?!

Isn’t funny that when you finally get to a point in your life where you are in absolute content with your lame ass existence, happy with your addictions and bad habits, just when you thought you were emotionally retarded enough to be happy, something just comes along and fucks it all up?

Friday night, at home, some margaritas, She Wants Revenge’s first album full blasted on my Hesh, half a dozen phone numbers fly through my fingers and at least half of the ill-fated black listers more than up for asking how high to jump… but what is this? You can’t seem to call any of them.

Yes, this is where you realized you are fucked! Ding ding ding! That is correct!
You my friend have fallen in the worse kind of depravity... Love.

You still have the slim chance of survival if you run for the hills now, but guess what? You disgusting piece of sadistic sack of bull crap… you are not going anywhere!

It’s in our veins, in our nature to pursue that which we shouldn’t have even glanced upon in the first place.

Fuck it... enjoy the ride as long as you can.

Cookies! Nom nom nom

It's one of those things that makes you smile in silence, it can be a joke, a sweet memory, something platonic, something eternal or ephemeral, perfectly flawed, intangible and yet so real you can taste it... cookie.